Relationships & Self-Worth
Boundaries
Healthy love begins with knowing your limits.
Understanding boundaries
Boundaries… people love to talk about boundaries. What are they and how do we use them in our life? Boundaries are part of healthy love and self-worth. Boundaries are the limits of love. They are not about controlling others or their behavior. Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves and being responsible for ourselves.
Boundaries are saying what we can and can’t do, what treatment we are willing to tolerate or not tolerate. Saying no when we need to, saying yes when we need to. Not doing things that we don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable doing. How far we’ll go for someone, how far someone else can go with us. Boundaries are also about respecting others’ yes and no, their rights and privacy.
“Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves and being responsible for ourselves.”
What boundaries require
Boundaries require self-love, self-awareness, honest communication, including saying the hard stuff, owning our own power or voice. Being true to ourselves and our values. Emotional awareness is a key to boundaries. We can’t set a limit if we don’t know how we feel. And valuing yourself!
Barriers to setting boundaries
- Not knowing or repressing our own feelings.
- Depending on other people — fear of abandonment.
- Having our boundaries violated as children, invalidated or not listened to.
- Abuse or neglect — repairing that damage can heal our hearts and help with boundary setting.
- Poor role modeling — parents who didn’t set boundaries or display respect or model healthy limits or how to communicate.
- Low self-esteem.
- People pleasing.
- Shame.
- Caretaking — setting boundaries means we stop taking care of others and take care of ourselves (often we can’t do both at the same time, set a boundary and take care of others’ feelings, lives or problems).
If some of these things are issues for you, working through these will help you set better boundaries and take care of yourself better.
Reference: The New Codependency
About the author
Christina Dell, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Christina Dell is the owner of North State Family Therapy in Redding, California. Her areas of expertise include trauma, grief, codependency, family systems, and communication. She is fully EMDR trained and an Advanced Level Brainspotting practitioner, and works with children, teens, and adults.
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